We all love in different ways. Love feels physically different to each of us in our bodies, different in the way we experience the emotions of love, and different in our conceptualization of what makes up loving behavior.
We each prefer to give and receive love in different ways too. It’s helpful to have awareness about your own preferences regarding how you give & receive love so that your needs can be met.
And it’s equally important to know how your partners and friends and family and others you care about prefer to give & receive love too, so that you can help meet their needs. The love languages are not just for romantic relationships. All human connections are much smoother when we understand how each other prefer to give & receive love and care.
In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman described 5 categories of how love can be shown and received. These broad areas offer a nice framework to understand ourselves and others but are by no means comprehensive or definitive. But it’s a great place to start! You can take his quiz here to identify your preferred language.
Below are the descriptions of the 5 categories (you can also call these love personalities if you prefer). Many of us like several or all of these love displays, but often we are more heavily impacted by one or two.
Included with each love language below are some specific ideas for you. These can help you know yourself better and enable you to ask for your needs more effectively:
What can make me feel loved
Things I can ask others for
What others do that can make me feel hurt
The 5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
– I really feel cared about when...Others say or write things that help me feel appreciated, strong, capable, loved, attractive, confident, and like I matter.
What can make me feel loved -
Compliments – You look great in that. Your hair looks really nice today.
Praise - You did a nice job mowing the lawn. That meal was delicious. You picked out a really thoughtful gift for our friend.
Appreciation - Thank you for taking out the trash. Thank you for being so understanding.
Encouragement – Your work presentation is going to be terrific. You are doing so great on your exercise plan.
Things I can ask others for -
Tangible things like love letters or cards or poetry
A playlist of meaningful songs
Texts or memes to build me up
Phone calls
Pep-talks
What others do that can make me feel hurt -
Be silent
Not notice my efforts
Be critical or poke at my weaker areas
Not apologize when hurtful words were said
2. Receiving Gifts
I really feel cared about when...Others give me meaningful objects and I know they were thinking of me and that I matter to them.
What can make me feel loved -
Meaningful objects, mementos or tokens that show I was thought of.
Remembering my favorite things like treats, places to eat, songs, flowers, sports teams, shows, bands.
Sending me a random picture of something that made a person think of me.
Thoughtful gifts with extra research or effort behind them.
Things I can ask others for:
A special token I can carry to remind me of them
Thoughtful celebration for my birthday or occasions that matter to me
To pick up my favorite treat on a bad day
To go to my favorite places together
To remember the dates or items that matter to me
To surprise me
To bring me a souvenir
What others do that can make me feel hurt:
Forgetting my birthday or other special occasions.
Not putting a lot of thought into gift items (buying something just to buy it).
Not paying attention when I talk about things I want to experience or have.
3. Acts of Service
I really feel cared about when...Others do things (or offer to do things) that make my life easier or less stressful.
What can make me feel loved -
Someone helping with tasks or chores
Doing anything that will make my day or life more positively or smoothly
Doing a chore or task for me that they know I don’t like doing
Doing something for me that they know I will like or appreciate
Offering to help, even if I don’t accept it
Things I can ask others for
Help with completing a specific task like grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, paying bills, walking the dog
Support in getting things done together
Time off from “adulting” to have time for myself
What others do that can make me feel hurt
Promise to help and then not follow-through.
Refuse to help.
Prioritize doing things for other people instead of me.
Downplay the importance of my requests for help.
Needing a lot of reminders to do something.
4. Quality Time
I really feel cared about when...Others spend time with me, talk with me, listen to me and give me their full attention.
What can make me feel loved
Being fully present and really engaged in our time together, not multitasking
Setting aside time to share an activity or conversation without being distracted by the phone or interruptions
Prioritizing regular time or dates together
Running errands together
Things I can ask others for:
Date night or friend time with no phones.
A getaway weekend trip.
Taking a walk together, cooking together, sitting on the couch with the TV off just catching up.
What others do that can make me feel hurt
Be distracted when we are together.
Go for long periods without spending 1:1 time together.
Regularly prioritize other people or work or activities over me.
Cancel our plans.
5. Physical Touch
I really feel cared about when...Others offer physical closeness in caring ways.
What can make me feel loved:
Nonverbal expressions of care
Initiating or participating in sitting close to me
consistent eye contact
holding hands
hugging
caressing me
kissing
sexual intimacy
cuddling
playing with my hair or massaging my scalp
rubbing my feet
offering your hand when I’m upset
Things I can ask others for:
Hugs
To be physically in the same location
A shoulder rub or massage
Sexual intimacy or cuddling
Non-romantically: spend time with others’ pets or babies or kids
What others do that can make me feel hurt
Avoid being around me
Reject my requests for physical closeness
Avoid initiating physical closeness
Be physically aggressive
Threaten or abuse me
It’s not uncommon to feel loved by several or all of these language types. For most of us, we have a primary love language that seems to really meet a deep need. Often our primary love language is related to how love was shown (or withheld) when we were growing up.
For example, if a parent gave you thoughtful gifts or purchased things for you and that was the primary way you felt attended to, you may desire the Receiving Gifts love display in your adult relationships.
Or if you had a very critical parent growing up, perhaps Words of Affirmation are most important to you because it helps heal that wound from the constant criticism in your upbringing.
As you consider your love language and how you can better express your needs to others, keep in mind that others will have their own specific language and needs.
I often see in relationships that Partner A shows love to Partner B in Partner A's own language, rather than in Partner B's language. Because this is a mismatch, Partner B ends up not feeling the love that Partner A is trying to show. And Partner A can feel unappreciated for their effort!
Communication about needs and unmet needs is key in all types of relationships, especially when it comes to the way you prefer to give and receive love and care. Who are you thinking of as you read this post and what might change if you started a conversation with them about love languages?
Sometimes relationship struggles go beyond a love language mismatch and are also about intense emotions interfering in the connection. If you want to better understand yourself and learn new ways to manage anxiety & other emotions, check out my 8-week online course to see if it's a fit for your needs.
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