“I can’t, I hate conflict.”
That’s what I hear nearly every time I encourage a client to talk honestly about their needs or feelings with someone.
If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Most of us hate conflict.
Confrontation feels uncomfortable and even dangerous.
Avoiding it can seem like the safest option, both practically and emotionally.
But staying silent comes with costs too - resentment, burnout, and relationship disconnection.
The good news?
There are ways to navigate “conflict” style conversations to make them more survivable.
Like any skill, learning to say 'no' is something you can build, by starting small and growing your confidence over time.
Think back to when you first learned to swim (or some other new skill).
Chances are, you didn't start by jumping into the deep end head first. You probably began in the shallow water, where your feet could easily touch the bottom and water was well away from your nose.
You started where the risk was lower and you felt safer to do something new.
Maybe you held onto the edge of the pool the first time you put your face in the water.
Maybe you had some floaties on as you ventured out to the middle of the pool.
Little by little, you increased the difficulty as your confidence grew.
Just like swimming, learning to ask for what you need or how to say "no” works the same way. We can start where it feels safer and gradually build up readiness for the tougher dynamics and relationships.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
Your heart races. Your stomach tightens.
Someone just asked you for something you really don't want to do - but the 'No' feels stuck in your throat.
Let's acknowledge why saying 'no' feels so challenging before we dive into strategies.
We often stay silent about our needs because:
- We worry others will be mad at us, hurt by us, or disappointed in us
- We worry others will pull away or like us less
- We feel guilty for prioritizing our own needs
- We've had negative experiences in the past when we tried to speak up
- We were raised to believe that putting others first is the right thing to do
- We're very sensitive to criticism or rejection
- We fear damaging or losing relationships
Reflection question: Which of these fears comes up for you most often? How does it influence your behavior when someone wants something? |
These are all valid concerns!
But there’s fallout when these worries keep us silent.
When we continually suppress our needs, it leads to:
---> resentment
"I'm so tired of always being the one who has to ________"
---> rumination
“Why aren’t they considering my feelings, do they even care about me?”
---> avoidance
"I'll just stop responding and we’ll see what happens.”
---> Disconnection
“Forget it, I’ll just find a different ______." (job/friend/relationship/activity)
Self-reflection question: What’s one area in your life where you feel drained because you struggle saying no? How would your well-being improve if you could? |
The difference between Compliance and 'Yes'
This is important -
One of the trickiest parts of boundary-setting is recognizing when we're genuinely okay with something vs. when we're complying just to avoid discomfort.
Use the 'Hell Yes' test
The "Hell Yes" test helps you gain internal clarity about what you really want.
From there, you can decide how you want to proceed.
Basically, if something happening doesn't lead to a ‘hell yes’ for you, then you can consider how to make it a ‘no.’
The "Hell yes!" test looks like this:
Someone asks you to do something and your reaction inside is not a "hell yes, I want to do that!"
A pattern keeps repeating in a relationship and your gut doesn’t say “hell yes, I’m okay with this!”
Someone says/does something quite upsetting and you’re not thinking “hell yes, I’m fine if they do this again!”
In these cases, we’d want to figure about how to address it.
Now, this doesn't mean you'll never do things you don’t really want to, or just willingly overlook small annoyances in relationships.
That’s part of being a cooperative person.
BUT, the 'Hell Yes' test helps distinguish between what aligns with your values vs. when you're compromising your values just to avoid conflict.
How Your Body Signals Discomfort
Your body often knows the difference between Compliance and Yes before your mind does.
Here are some physical signals that you might be saying "yes" when you really mean "no":
Physical Signals:
- Tension in your jaw, neck, or back
- A knot, pit or unease in your stomach
- Forcing yourself to smile or to avoid knitting your brow
- Shallow breathing or holding your breath
- Rolling your eyes (visibly or inwardly)
- Slightly shaking your head ‘no’
- General discomfort or anxiety when thinking about the situation
These physical sensations are like your internal compass trying to guide you back to your true values.
Instead of ignoring these signals, ideally we recognize them as important information.
Self-reflection question: Think about a time when you said yes but wished you hadn’t. What did your body feel like in that moment? Did you notice any of the physical signals listed? |
Learning to say NO - the 3 Ps
If you’ve been avoiding asserting your needs for a while, you need an approach that starts where you are.
To make the Saying No process less daunting, we'll break it down into 3 key elements:
Practice with low stakes
Phrases that work
Persisting with pushback
1 - Practice with low stakes.
You'll want to start with simple, quick wins to build your confidence and get your body accustomed to feeling the initial discomfort and then overcoming it.
This is us starting out in the shallow end of the pool.
Just like you wouldn't learn to swim in the deep end, don't start practicing 'no' with your most significant relationships.
Instead, begin with situations where the stakes feel lower:
Practice in the Shallow end (start here):
Practice with strangers you'll never see again
Ask a store clerk to locate an item.
Decline free samples at Costco.
Decline an upsell at the coffee shop.
Give feedback on a restaurant order
"Could I get this heated up more?"
Decline small talk with a stranger
“I’m just focusing on my book right now, but have a nice day!”
Say no to adding a donation to your purchase
“Not today, thanks.”
Request a different table at a restaurant
“I’d prefer to sit by the window instead, would that be possible?
Self-reflection: What’s one “shallow end” situation in your life where you can practice saying no or expressing a preference this week? |
Practice in the Middle area (graduate up to this):
Modify plans with acquaintances
“Hey instead of the coffee shop this time, could we take a walk?”
Express preferences about meeting times
“Actually 6:30 works better for me this week, can we do that?”
Share opinions about movies or restaurants
“I’m not super interested in that movie, what about this other one?”
Ask for clarification in low-stakes work meetings
“Could you explain the goal of this task in a different way?”
Say no to optional social invitations
“I’m not around on that day but thanks so much for including me!”
Politely ask someone to lower their voice in a public setting
“Would you mind keeping it down a little?”
The Deep end (save these for later):
Asking a family member to communicate differently with you
Telling a close friend that they've disappointed or hurt you
Giving feedback to your supervisor about their style
Addressing long-standing relationship patterns of concern
If you chronically avoid things in the deep end area, it might help to get some guidance or encouragement from a trusted friend, a therapist, or even using AI to create a script that you could try.
2 - Phrases that work:
If you have specific phrases ready, it’s easier to speak up in the moment.
The key is to buy yourself time when you need it - the pressure to comply is often strongest when we feel rushed.
What phrases in the “Shallow end” might sound like:
- "I need to think about it first."
- “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
- “I’ll chat with my spouse and let you know.”
- "I'll pass on that, thanks!"
- "No thank you, I prefer..."
- "That doesn't work for me."
What phrases in the “Middle area” might sound like:
- "Thanks for thinking of me, but I won't be able to make it."
- "I have a different preference about..."
- "I'd rather do X instead of Y, how does that sound?"
- "I need to stick to our original plan."
- "Let me take some time to reflect on that. Can we chat about it tomorrow?"
What phrases in the “Deep End” might sound like:
- "I care about our relationship, which is why I need to tell you..."
- "When _____ happens, I feel ____. Would you be willing to _____?"
- "I know this might be surprising to hear, but I need to set a boundary about..."
- "I've realized I need to make a change about ___"
- "I know you really want to talk about this now, but I need some time to think it through properly."
Self-reflection: Which of these phrases feels the most natural to you? Are there any that you’d like to tweak or practice to make them your own? |
3 - Persistence with pushback
Just like a beginner swimmer might get knocked back by waves, you'll likely encounter some pushback when you start expressing your needs and limits.
Note that the “pushback” might be in the form of your own discomfort in your body or it may be the reactions from others. Both are normal! The goal is to stay the course anyway.
3 ways to persist through pushback:
1 - Self-soothing strategies
Notice and validate your physical discomfort - it's your body trying to protect you from having a bad time
Remind yourself that discomfort doesn't mean you did anything wrong
Take calming breaths to soothe & slow the physical anxiety
Write about your thoughts & worries before and after setting a boundary
Reach out to supportive friends who understand & validate you
Celebrate your courage to try, even if the conversation didn't go ideally
Self-reflection: What kind of pushback do you fear most when you’d prefer saying ‘no’ to someone? How can you prepare yourself to handle that response? |
2 - Cope with reactions from others
Remind yourself that you have the exact same right to have your needs met as they do.
Understand that someone's initial reaction isn't necessarily their final response.
Expect some surprise or resistance, especially if a person is used to you being a certain way (like always complying or saying Yes).
Know that most people adjust to new boundaries over time.
3 - Let others manage their own emotions
Remind yourself that their reactions & feeling are for THEM to manage, not you (just like you’re working hard to manage yours!)
Try to avoid feeling responsible for the way others might feel when you say 'no' to something.
Notice your urge to prevent them from having a feeling reaction that you'll have to deal with.
Take a moment to consider the positives when you let someone manage their emotions:
You're showing someone...
... that you believe in their capability to manage common human emotions
... that you're not trying to control them.
... that you respect them as an adult who doesn’t need you to manage situations for them
... that you want an authentic connection of equal power & reciprocity with them
Your next steps with saying "no"
Like learning to swim, it takes practice & patience to get comfortable saying no.
---> Start in the shallow end and get your own body & emotions comfortable with the initial discomfort.
---> Use the scripts that feel most comfortable to you.
---> Expect some waves of discomfort and know that they'll pass.
Most importantly, remember that you're not learning these skills just to say no more often - you're learning these skills to create more authentic, honest relationships where both people's needs matter.
When we can be honest about our limits and needs, we create space for real connection.
Self-reflection: What would success look like for you when it comes to setting boundaries? How will you know you’re making progress? |
Where will you start practicing today?
Maybe choose one "shallow end" situation this week where you'll practice speaking up.
And remember - before saying yes to anything, check in with your body. Is it a genuine "hell yes," or are you just trying to avoid making waves?
You deserve to respect your true answer and act accordingly.
If high anxiety or intense emotions get in the way when you want to say 'no" or communicate your needs to others, see if my 8-week live online course can help you gain the emotion regulation tools you're missing.
Image credits in order of appearance: Debby Urken, Kevin Paes, Igor Omilaev